


Monster in My Head

by ChemCat



Series: Creatures [2]
Category: Ai no Kusabi
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 09:21:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5580040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemCat/pseuds/ChemCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katze runs after Raoul, but to get his man, he has to fight his fears first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster in My Head

**Author's Note:**

> The story can be read as a stand alone.

Still barefoot and frantically pulling his pants on, Katze tries to catch up with Raoul and runs into a weirdly sterile corridor – a long, brightly-lit passageway with multiple doors. _Which one have you gone through, Raoul?_ He thinks that the one straight ahead is still slightly ajar, so he rushes in its direction. Yanking the door open, he bursts into the room and stops abruptly. There is nothing but darkness in front of him, and the little light that comes from the doorway behind him is not sufficient to illuminate the whole space. He is standing in the only bright spot in dark laboratory – if it, indeed, is a laboratory. _What else could it be?_

He tries to catch his breath. “Raoul?” Nothing. “Raoul? Are you there?” Doubts start to creep into his mind and he questions his motives to follow the Blondie. What was he thinking? Apparently, nothing at all. How could he have been so stupid and naïve? To think that Raoul… no, better not to think about it and concentrate on other things, like _what is this room? And why it is so hellishly cold in here?_ Strange thoughts are running through Katze’s head; he remembers Kirie and Manon and how they’ve lost their minds after wandering into one of Raoul’s labs. _Is this the lab? No, **that** room had doors – and a lot of them. What is this place? Will I see monsters here? New, terrible pets maybe?_

 

Cautiously, Katze peers into darkness in front of him, trying to assess the size of the room and to see if there is another door anywhere in sight. He recalls that Kirie and Manon couldn’t find an exit, but that was because the room they were in had too many doors - unlike this one, it seems. _They were in a room resembling a maze. But where am I? Is there a hidden passage anywhere here? Do I need a proximity card? Maybe all of Raoul’s labs are barren and sterile like that_? But he knows it’s unlikely, as the lab he's just came from had doors and passages, and equipment, and everything a proper biotech lab should have. Alas, as far as he can see, this laboratory – room – has nothing at all. _Should I venture further in? No, better not; curiosity killed the cat._

 

Beyond the dim light that surrounds him darkness is complete. Slowly, he starts to back away toward light, when the door behind him snaps close - robbing the space of even the smallest ray of illumination. Panic settles in. He thinks there are voices somewhere ahead, but he cannot be sure. “Where are you? Raoul? Is that you?”

 

Silence.

 

In complete darkness, Katze can hear his own heartbeat and he can feel cold sweat starting to trickle down his spine. “Raoul?” Just a whisper now.

 

_What was it?_ _Right there, just on the edge of the vision!_ Katze turns his head quickly in the direction that, just a moment ago, he thought a patch of darkness consolidated and moved. “Who’s there? Raoul?” More desperate now. Urgent. He starts to hyperventilate, inhaling darkness deep into his lungs. He wants to scream, but can’t be sure that his voice wouldn’t call any strange creatures; pitiful creatures; dangerous creatures.

 

Katze closes his eyes and tries to calm down. Even in the complete absence of light, the gesture has something comforting in it – a hope that when he opens his eyes, it all will be a dream and he’d see the light. But that never happens. Slowly, painfully, Katze starts to step back, hoping that he’d encounter the door he came through. After some time, his heels bump into a hard surface. _A door? No, a wall._

 

Someone is coming toward him. He can clearly hear footsteps now. “Raoul?” There’s a flicker of blond hair somewhere in front of him. _Light? But from where?_ He wants to run toward the light, toward that person, but at the same time he doesn’t want to leave the security of the wall behind him. “Raoul?”

“Katze.” The name is spoken softly, almost mournfully. “Have you forgotten me so quickly?” All Katze can do is stare – the darkness starts to move; those footsteps are louder now, coming toward him. And the voice – he knows it. “Impossible. You’re dead.”

“Am I now?” A low chuckle. Then, a delicate hand caresses Katze’s cheek. He wants to run.

“No, Iason, stop it.”

“No? But why?” Beautiful face emerges from darkness. Katze can feel the weight of the other man pinning him to the wall. Beyond Iason’s shoulder, darkness starts to breathe and live on its own. It starts to close in on Katze and extinguish almost all rational thoughts in his mind until only one persists: _run._

 

Despite of his fear and against all instincts that tell him to stay close to the wall, Katze pushes Iason away and starts to run. He has no sense of direction, but he knows he needs to get away.

 

“You cannot run from me, my sweet Katze.”

 

_You’re dead. You’re dead._ “YOU’RE DEAD!” Darkness grabs him, forces him to his knees. And those steps, coming ever closer. “Leave me alone! Raoul! RAOUL!” He can feel those hands again, reaching for him, mocking him, dragging him under. _Is this beginning of madness?_ He starts to float and suffocate like a drowning man; he knows that somewhere there, there’s another world with light in it, but he can’t find it. With the last, desperate try, Katze hoists himself up and runs again - until he collides with the wall. Frantically, he searches around for any crevice, uneven surface… anything.

 

A door knob.

 

Katze turns it in hope of salvation, but there is only more darkness beyond it. After initial pang of despair, he notices that this darkness is different, warmer; and there’s a lighter shade of grey at the end of what seems to be another large room. Again, he feels a chill running down his spine and looks back, but there is nothing there. Nothing moves – there’s no Iason. Quietly, he locks the door behind as he steps over the threshold of the new room.

 

There isn’t enough illumination to see much around, but he thinks he can discern shelves that are stacked with…something. And then, there’s the smell: not unpleasant, but old, warm, and almost forgotten, and a little bit musty. Katze thinks he knows it, but it takes him a while to place it.

 

_Books._

 

Now he remembers: he was but a child in Guardian when one of the keepers brought a book for everybody to marvel at it. _What did he say? Oh yes, that some other humans, at the edge of the known galaxy, were using them before the age of computers. On Earth, wasn’t it?_ An unexplained longing takes over him and he lightly brushes his hand along the shelves as he proceeds deeper into the room, where, surprisingly, darkness gives way to dim light. Feeling more secure than just mere moments before, he looks around in amazement - he’s never expected to find so many books here, on Amoi. Now that he knows what he’s looking at, he realizes he’s in the library – a real library. Slowly and carefully, he makes his way toward the warm, flickering light at the end of the room, where darkness is much less dense. Finally, he can’t resist temptation anymore and picks up a random book from a shelf he’s just passing. Straining his eyes, he deciphers the title as the “Art of War” by Sun Tzu. _Appropriate_. He picks up another one: “Iliad” by Homer. When he reaches for another one, he hears footsteps. _Not again._

Katze tries not to breathe - not to make any noise. Cursing his own stupidity, he tries to back away into the shadows when disembodied voice reaches him. “I know you’re there. Show yourself!” Then, the bright light comes on - illuminating the vastness of the room. Momentarily blinded, Katze tries to shield his eyes. Light, which he yearned for, is not as safe as he’d hoped it would be. He starts to run, aware that whoever switched on the light, can see him.

 

“Stop!” A commanding voice, a voice that Katze knows.

“Raoul?” Katze’s own voice trembles with emotions. He barely dares to hope that this time it’s really Raoul and not another cruel trick played by his own mind. He turns around, but can’t see anyone. “Where are you? I can’t see you.”

 

Steps - coming closer. Katze fights the urge to run. _What if it’s not Raoul? What if it’s just another apparition?_ Then, finally, a familiar figure comes into view. Not caring about the etiquette and mentally exhausted from his previous experience, Katze runs toward the Blondie and flings his arms around him. Embracing tightly his savior, he starts to cry. Then, his legs give way and he starts to collapse, but before he falls, strong arms catch and steady him.

 

“Katze, what are you doing here? _How_ did you get here?” Raoul’s voice is soft and shocked, and Katze doesn’t think he’s ever heard him so concerned. He clings closer to the Blondie. “You’ve told me to come for you.”

“ _To_ , not _for_.”

“Semantics.”

“Did you go through _that_ room? ... Yes, yes, of course you did, you must have. What did you see?” This question gets Katze’s attention and he loosens his grip on Raoul. “What is that supposed to mean? What is that room anyway?”

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“Do I really have to?” Katze attempts to again bury his face in Raoul’s neck, but the Blondie grips his chin and forces him to meet his gaze. “Answer me, Katze!” Not a request this time, but a command.

“I saw death.”

“How did it look like?”

 

Tired of questions, Katze tries to push Raoul away. Raoul, who doesn’t seem like a savior anymore, but is more of an interrogator now. _A researcher – cold and unfeeling._ _But of course, what am I but another lab rat to you._ “Let me go Raoul.” Defiance creeps into Katze’s voice; he doesn’t want to talk about that terrible room – he doesn’t want to remember what he’s seen there.

“No. Tell me!”

 

Katze starts to struggle, but he’s no match for the Blondie. “I don’t want to think about it! What does it matter anyway?! Is this another one of your experiments?! I’m not your guinea pig! Now, let me go!” And then, to his surprise, Raoul opens his arms. Not really expecting this, Katze falls to his knees.

 

“Why do you hate me so, Katze?”

“Do you have to ask?”

“Yes, I do. I don’t understand you. One moment you run to me and the next one you push me away. It’s… confusing.”

 

Katze stares at the Blondie, who has a genuinely puzzled expression on his face. _No, of course you don’t understand it, Raoul. You’d have to be a human to do that._ With this thought, reality dawns at Katze. “Your question about that room—it’s not a set up. You really don’t know.”

“Isn’t it obvious? And I don’t see why it upsets you so.” Raoul reaches down to help Katze back to his feet, but his hand freezes half-way. “May I?”

 

The gesture and the question are so ridiculous that Katze burst out laughing. The whole situation seems so incredulous that he can’t stop himself; then, he grabs the offered hand. “Yes, Raoul. Thank you.”

“What’s so funny?”

“This whole situation. You and I. The communication issue. I’ve been around Blondies for so long that I thought I’d come to understand you. Alas, I was mistaken.”

“Obviously. Now, is that what amuses you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

 

Katze stops laughing. Raoul is obviously lost where human emotions are involved. For now, he’s just curious and confused, and Katze wonders how long it’ll take him to become angry and frustrated. “It’s hard to explain—”

“Try.”

“Is there anywhere to sit, Raoul? I’m tired and I don’t think I can stand for much longer.”

“You’re still in shock - it’s understandable. I can give you something for that; let’s go to my study.” And with that, Raoul turns away and pulls Katze toward the end of the room, where Katze thought there had been a flickering light right before the main lamps came on. Then, he looks down. _Why are you holding my hand?_ Tentatively, the red head squeezes Raoul’s palm. When nothing happens, he adjusts his grip and concentrates on walking, and not on the warmth that radiates through Raoul’s glove.

 

A few moments later, Katze sits in an ornate armchair in a well appointed study; sunlight streams through the cupola directly overhead.

“This is cozy and so… I don’t even know how to describe it.”

“I’ve found this design in one of the books and liked it. It was called a Renaissance style. You really like it?”

“I do. Right, the books. Where did you get them from?”

“Why?” Something in Raoul’s stance changes and he becomes defensive. _Is it because you’re not used to people asking questions? People? Mongrels? Me?_ “I’m just curious. I’ve seen a book once, you know, in Guardian... but so many of them.”

“It doesn’t matter. Drop it.”

“Have you read them?”

“Not all of them, of course, but there are some interesting ones that I thought are worth my time.”

“Like this one?” Katze points to the opened book on the table. “What is it anyway?”

“Animal Farm.”

“Really? What is it about? Farming?”

The way Raoul looks at him when answering, makes Katze’s skin crawl again. “Animals; but I just started. Are you calmer?”

_Not when you look at me like that._ “Somewhat yes, thank you.”

“So tell me, what did you see?”

 

Katze turns away from Raoul; there’s no escape. _Let’s be done with it._ “Iason.” In the silence that befalls the study, Katze can hear both of their heartbeats. He closes his eyes in despair. “I saw Iason.”

 

THE END


End file.
